gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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