He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize