I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
