I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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