hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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