just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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