new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
