and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
