Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i drank out of a bidet.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Randomize
