i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
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I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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