Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
