I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
