the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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