A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
