she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
