My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
