Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
