Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
