No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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