how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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