im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
