you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
