So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't deserve a penis
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
