I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
