then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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