My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
