lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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