Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
honey bunches of taint.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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