I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
