my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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