it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
