I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
