she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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