what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize