I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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