After last night, I could never be a politician.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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