Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize