I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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