The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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