Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
