my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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