In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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