You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
