He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
