last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
