He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
