Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
