I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize