need another drink. this is the easiest way
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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