Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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