I am spending my child support on dildos
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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