you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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