I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
