I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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