I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
