Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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