I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
