i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
