I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
