When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
